We got our first glimpse of everyone -- Stars and Pros -- in the opening number, set to Ricki-Lee's "Cant Touch It." The way the Harold Wheeler Ensemble seamlessly blended theDWTS theme song ("ba-ba-da-duh," etc.) into a piece of music produced in this decade blew my mind. I had to rewind my recording a few times to truly appreciate it. As I did, I began to realize that the visual component of this brilliance was even more likely to stick in my head: Our Pros sidling down the technicolor staircase in all their barely clothed glory. At one point, they all did The Wave over the railing, tossing their wild manes, or just giving good face if they were men.
Do you have stairs in your house? There are stairs in my apartment building, so that counts. I'm going to just imagine Our Pros welcoming me home every night over the next four lonely Mirrorballus-less months. I don't think I'll be able to help it, to be honest. The idea has now been planted in my Jell-O brain. It's okay! I'll love it! Their enthusiasm and delight to see me will never wane! Annie! You're home again, that's great. We love you! Is that a oversize bottle of red wine you're holding? You want a little of this, you want a little want a little of this?
Well, yeah, Our Pros, if you're going to be on my staircase every night and I can come to rely on you even during the hard times....yes. YES, I DO! I know I can't touch it. I can handle it. Bring it on.
My favorite new dance from the returning Stars: Fox vs. Warner. Pretty much the only notes I have from this segment are "Rick looks hot in this yellow and purple jersey," though I do remember now that the steps on the technicolor staircase were also purple and yellow for Rick, red and white for Kurt. (The steps settled back into a "traditional" purple-red poly blend for the remainder of the dance.) Anna and Cheryl were the real stars here, with their hilariously tacky long half-gowns in the team colors. (Reader Lola submitted a Tuesday hidden gem: "Anna had a fake tramp stamp -- lower back tattoo -- of Kurt's NFL number.") A chest bump here, a back-to-back pose there, and Kurt and Rick finally earned a standing ovation from the judges. Big surprise: Bruno can't catch a football. Did anyone else think that cardboard cutout of Kurt Warner looked a lot like Corky?
Funny ladies Florence Henderson and Margaret Cho reunited with their partners Corky and Louis, and then Dmitry and Damian appeared out of nowhere just to help out with a half-assed cheerleading formation at the end. Awesome. By the way, I saw Margaret Cho perform at the New York Comedy Festival and she was amazing. Yapped about DWTS for 10 minutes right off the bat. I suppose neither Cho nor Flo had the time or inclination (or maybe they just weren't in demand) to pre-tape a segment on location so that they could magically appear in the ballroom, Jeff Probst on Survivor finale night style, and resume dancing.David Hasselhoff and The Situation were both tapped (ewwwwww.com) to do this, to staggeringly cheesy effect. Sitch now works in the New Jersey Governor's office. He enjoys regular photo ops with President Obama and having a sexy secretary named Karina, whose office-managing strategy involves climbing into their Time Machine and blasting off into DANCE whenever duty calls, which is always. Oh, and Hoff relived his Baywatch days. Same slow-motion sprint, now with man boobs. Classy.
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