Dancing With the Stars recap

On the first night of Dancing With the Stars' season 11 finale, each of the three finalists -- Jennifer Grey, Kyle Massey, and Bristol Palin -- danced a "redemption dance" and the all-important freestyle in their ongoing quest for the COVETED MIRRORBALL TROPHY. Look at that image to your right. I did not commission it to look like that, but with Jennifer and Derek slightly out in front, doesn't it sort of seem like a medal stand? This is probably the way the trio should finish -- Jennifer with Mirror, Kyle with Silver, Bristol with Bronze. Will it happen? Who knows? I'm a Fringe Fairy, not your crystal ball, DANCMSTRs. Pay a visit to your psychic for that s---. (Hey, if Bruno can swear on the show, so can I! That makes no sense!)

Anyone else catch the DANCMSTR license plate backstage? Be still my sequining heart!

Will the judges please reveal their scores? Carrie Ann In-ahhh-ber!

Jennifer Grey and Derek Hough: 30/30 + 30/30 = 60/60 Ms. In-ahhh-ber worked with Jen and Derek before their first-round paso doble (set to "Habanera" from Carmen), so that Jen could redeem herself from the rock-bottom depths of doom: Carrie Ann's own comment that Jennifer's week 6 paso was "way out of control." Well, it worked! "This is the meaning of redemption! This is redemption!" cried Weepy. Dopey rambled on and on, something about an evening in sultry Seville. Pretty sure the flamenco dancer and the golden matador got it on.

But get this: Cranky a.k.a. Len a.k.a. "the middle guy" (quoth Tom) gave Jennifer a standing ovation! It was a lovely mix of expression and aggression, noted the DANCMSTR. Still, I spotted a few mini Derek solos in there, and when she was dancing I began to see what Carrie Ann had meant when she said Jennifer has a tendency to dance between two walls. My favorite moment of this dance was when Derek dipped her while she was spinning and when she suddenly stopped, his hand was clasping her neck at the oddest angle. Agggghhhh! Her neck!

Jen and Derek's freestyle was set to "Do You Love Me" (not "Time of My Life," because that song was really for Patrick Swayze and her) from Dirty Dancing. I'm sure some of you got annoyed by these farmers' blatant milking of the Dirty Dancing cow for all it was worth, but whatever. I thought the idea was fun. Hello, Baby carried a watermelon! (Click that if you have no idea what that meant...or if you did. Nineteen seconds of your life; why not?)

Sure, he could have showcased her talents more, but I feel like Our Pros tend to make a specific decision on what to highlight in the freestyle and just go with that. In this season's case: "sex" (Bristol), party (Kyle), and tricks (Jen). The freestyle, not to mention Jen's two-piece pink costume, reminded me a lot of Derek's freestyle with Brooke. Remember when Derek wore that sparkly pink bikini? It was wild! Anyway, both the full-throttle 180-degree sex dip and the full-body pat down were a bit tamer than their Dirty Dancing counterparts, but that's okay. Jennifer couldn't stop mouthing the lyrics, which was not really okay. Oh, well. 10! 10! 10!

Dancing With the Stars recap

I was glad Brandy and Maks came back to dance the quickstep, and glad they didn't feel the need to rehash everything in an on-air interview. Anyone who wants to hear Maks say "This is bulls---" about the season in general knows to just listen to the EW TV Insiders podcast anyway! The pair's quickstep was light and fun, and I loved Brandy's beautifully serene smile at the end as they hugged for days. Runner-up feel-good moment of this segment: That guy to Maks' right after he finally released Brandy from the hug was just beaming to be in his vicinity.

Christina Aguilera graced the ballroom with performances of "Show Me How You Burlesque" and later "Beautiful," complete with signing backup dancers. Where was Cher? I only care about Cher, Burlesque-wise. Christina and her gold-fringed dancers (decoys! all of them! not Our Pros!) gave a convincing, almost cautionary demonstration of what dancers can do to make it not safe for the judges to actually be seated at their pre-established judges' table. In particular, I'm trying not to imagine DANCMSTR Len Goodman sitting there helplessly as 10 gyrating Koosh balls with huge weaves implored him to "Get it up! Get it up!"The horror!

I'll leave you DANCMSTRs with a sprinkling of -- Tom Bergeron's favorite collection of reader-submitted ridiculata in all the virtual land!

"Jennifer kissing Brooke’s shoulder in a weird moment of affection. Is there something you girls want to share with us?" --Anthony, endorsed by Jen, nikki, glenn
"Derek enjoyed it. And then as they were walking away Jen wiped it off" --Manda

"Anyone see when they cut to the judges after Kyle’s foxtrot the disembodied fingers splayed in a '10' in the foreground?" --LAG Award Winner, endorsed by Jamie0415

"EAL was wearing all of her wristbands from the season! On the same wrist!" --A, endorsed byEnthusiastic Comment Lady, Marc, and EW.com's Activia Fairy

Tom Bergeron: Cool as a jewel. MVG for life. Click here to see all of this week's Gems.

Farewell for now, DANCMSTRs, and thank you for reading my recaps so religiously this season. It is a religion, you know. Your instincts were correct! Lord Mirrorballus has commissioned twice-weekly 2000-word jumbles from yours truly from his perch atop a sparkly throne on high (emphasis on high) for years. Why wouldn't He do that? He's trippin'! Aren't we all.

I'll see you all right back here for season 12...liiiiiiiiiiiive!

Dancing With the Stars recap

We got our first glimpse of everyone -- Stars and Pros -- in the opening number, set to Ricki-Lee's "Cant Touch It." The way the Harold Wheeler Ensemble seamlessly blended theDWTS theme song ("ba-ba-da-duh," etc.) into a piece of music produced in this decade blew my mind. I had to rewind my recording a few times to truly appreciate it. As I did, I began to realize that the visual component of this brilliance was even more likely to stick in my head: Our Pros sidling down the technicolor staircase in all their barely clothed glory. At one point, they all did The Wave over the railing, tossing their wild manes, or just giving good face if they were men.

Do you have stairs in your house? There are stairs in my apartment building, so that counts. I'm going to just imagine Our Pros welcoming me home every night over the next four lonely Mirrorballus-less months. I don't think I'll be able to help it, to be honest. The idea has now been planted in my Jell-O brain. It's okay! I'll love it! Their enthusiasm and delight to see me will never wane! Annie! You're home again, that's great. We love you! Is that a oversize bottle of red wine you're holding? You want a little of this, you want a little want a little of this?

Well, yeah, Our Pros, if you're going to be on my staircase every night and I can come to rely on you even during the hard times....yes. YES, I DO! I know I can't touch it. I can handle it. Bring it on.

My favorite new dance from the returning Stars: Fox vs. Warner. Pretty much the only notes I have from this segment are "Rick looks hot in this yellow and purple jersey," though I do remember now that the steps on the technicolor staircase were also purple and yellow for Rick, red and white for Kurt. (The steps settled back into a "traditional" purple-red poly blend for the remainder of the dance.) Anna and Cheryl were the real stars here, with their hilariously tacky long half-gowns in the team colors. (Reader Lola submitted a Tuesday hidden gem: "Anna had a fake tramp stamp -- lower back tattoo -- of Kurt's NFL number.") A chest bump here, a back-to-back pose there, and Kurt and Rick finally earned a standing ovation from the judges. Big surprise: Bruno can't catch a football. Did anyone else think that cardboard cutout of Kurt Warner looked a lot like Corky?

Funny ladies Florence Henderson and Margaret Cho reunited with their partners Corky and Louis, and then Dmitry and Damian appeared out of nowhere just to help out with a half-assed cheerleading formation at the end. Awesome. By the way, I saw Margaret Cho perform at the New York Comedy Festival and she was amazing. Yapped about DWTS for 10 minutes right off the bat. I suppose neither Cho nor Flo had the time or inclination (or maybe they just weren't in demand) to pre-tape a segment on location so that they could magically appear in the ballroom, Jeff Probst on Survivor finale night style, and resume dancing.David Hasselhoff and The Situation were both tapped (ewwwwww.com) to do this, to staggeringly cheesy effect. Sitch now works in the New Jersey Governor's office. He enjoys regular photo ops with President Obama and having a sexy secretary named Karina, whose office-managing strategy involves climbing into their Time Machine and blasting off into DANCE whenever duty calls, which is always. Oh, and Hoff relived his Baywatch days. Same slow-motion sprint, now with man boobs. Classy.

Dancing With the Stars recap

Both the encore performance round and theinstant cha cha round were tedious and uneventful, but I did find the "use" of the red velvet-lined Mirrorbowl extremely gratifying. First of all, that thing is huge. I love to just watch Brooke battle it for attention in the celebriquarium. Its mere presence is a win, no matter what. Brooke gestured to the Mirrorbowl slightly when she announced with zero fanfare whatsoever that the contestants' upcoming instant cha chas would be set to "Raise Your Glass" by Pink. You guys know that song? Everyone nodded, sure, sure, we've been casually aware of it for days. So the only point of having the Mirrorbowl there at all was so the contestants could "draw" dance orders from it. Jennifer completely overshot what should have been a simple move and dramatically stuffed the envelope down her dress. Can you blame her? The Mirrorbowl is so big, so red, so desperate for action. (Much like Bristol's fringed cha cha pants.) "In season 12, we'll show you creative places to hide your mirrorballs," Tom promised. What a tease.

The instant cha cha round was all about the costume choices. Lacey went with a full-length lace bodysuit that could have garnered them millions of viewer votes if she'd worn it on Monday (hey, you never know -- why not be generous? it's the finale! and it's Thanksgiving!) so to wear it this late in the game struck me more as just a mild f--- you to Len. Loved it. Jen had changed into her gold fringed pants, which I must love on principle because hello, fringe, but seriously? You're about to be pictured holding that giant knob of glitter and you could wear anything for these pictures and you go with fringed pants? Madness! Bristol also tried the fringed pants, in red. She did much better in this round than ever before, probably because the idea of never having to remember steps in front of millions of haters ever again had sent her to a tranquil state of 100% Pure Chillax. Good for her! Still, the contrast between Bristol and Jen's fringed pants was almost laughable. Even though Bristol did well according to her own unique standards, Bristol still can't quite...dance, you know? So she honestly looked like a long-haired Elmo or some other sort of Muppet. Maybe Clifford? I know he's not a Muppet, and ugh, I can tell it's going to seem like I'm calling Bristol Palin a dog. Really, I just think it seemed like she was wearing a "creature costume" instead of dance clothes. I know you know what I'm talking about!

Kyle and Jen ended up earning the same cha cha score: 28. Bristol got a 27. Final point tally: Jennifer 118 / Kyle 110 / Bristol 104. I giggled every time Brooke called out another increasingly meaningless set of numbers. Who cares? So what? cried Joy Behar, somewhere out there. Then, finally, some progress, plot-wise: Bristol was eliminated with about 10 minutes left in the show. I marveled at the way Tom gave off a sense of authority and good will while really saying absolutely nothing at all. Look at this sentence! "The thing that's going to last with me, all the other nonsense aside: Here's a young woman who got into her truck, drove five days down to Los Angeles, and lasted all the way into the finale. Good for you." No, good for you, Tom! That was stunning.

All of the season 11 Stars returned to Planet Mirrorballus for an encore performance -- except Michael Bolton, who was singing in London, and Audrina Patridge, who had come down with a nasty case of Didn't Feel Like Coming. It's a sexually transmitted disease. Nah, I'm kidding. She was sick. Maybe her boyfriend was in the mood for Thai takeout instead of Mexican? I know that's why I never follow through on my commitments!

Dancing With the Stars recap

Jennifer Grey and Derek Hough are your season 11 winners of Dancing With the Stars. Who saw it coming? Everyone! Literally anyone who had tuned in for even one episode all season knew this would happen. Blind people knew! The homeless! Babies! And to think a ruptured disc in Jen's back -- discovered yesterday morning during rehearsals beneath a pile of false eyelashes and studded chiffon -- nearly kept her from performing her final two dances. "Not on this planet!" said Dr. Who Cares If You Never Walk Again, the chief attending at Mirrorballus Medical.

Congratulations to the happy couple! "This journey was the gift," Jennifer toldEW after the show. "Saying yes was the gift. Getting Derek as a partner was a huge gift.” Runner-up Kyle Massey eventually chimed in: "I just want pizza."

Jennifer's win marked a three-peat for Derek, the lone 1990s-era Chicago Bull in the swashbuckling stable of Our Pros. "It's heavy, right?" Derek pretended to ask Jen as he lifted the COVETED MIRRORBALL TROPHY just beyond her reach. He couldn't help himself! The confetti source in the rafters was extremely magnetic and just kept pulling it higher and higher towards ballroom heaven. It was a special magnetic field reserved for novelty items composed of the lowest-quality negative-24-karat Mirror on the market. Only the best on DWTS!

Earlier in the show, third-place finisher Bristol Palin had announced that a win would be like "a big middle finger to all the people out there who hate my mom and hate me." So it's confirmed: What really matters on this show is the dancing.

I enjoyed this classic exchange between Our Hosts just after Jennifer announced her most recent medical malady.

LIVELY TOM: I won't say 'break a leg!'
MONOTONE BROOKE: It's live television and anything can happen. We'll be right back.

Kyle, Bristol, and Jennifer danced twice so the judges could pretend there was still suspense in the air for a topic other than "Will Jennifer live?" First, Kyle and Lacey brought back their tango. With his new-and-improved abs, Kyle earned a 26. Bristol and Mark tangoed, too. 25! Bristol decided it was worth it to break the hold again and whip her hair around for a few seconds in the middle of the routine. Bruno said this was the dance that had earned her a place in the finale. (?!). Len laid it out in layman's terms. "[Kyle's] got the wow, but you've got the how," he assured Bristol. Oh, Len. How? Jen and Derek book-ended their journey (and the two-part season finale's Dirty Dancing quota) with a repeat of Week 1's Viennese waltz set to "These Arms of Mine." Perfect 30!.