Their passion for trekking brought them together. For Kamalika and Tapash of Kolkata, love blossomed during high-adrenalin training sessions of a mountaineering club. And despite being nine years apart, they knew they were meant to be together and take on somedeath defying adventures.
Married for almost two years now, the couple has taken the first step to realising their dream by floating an adventure sports company that takes groups on camping and trekking excursions. With more ambitious projects in the pipeline, they can't even consider having a child. Asks Kamalika, "Our lives are uncertain, what if we didn't return from an expedition? What would happen to our baby then?" She accompanies her husband on all his trips. "We want to explore a lot of places, and there is no question of bringing up a child for the heck of it," she reasons.
Hers is not a remote instance and a whole new tribe of fiercely independent couples today is choosing to not make babies and focus instead on their creative pursuits.
When Subroto Ghosh (name changed), 40, a journalist living in Pune gave marriage a shot last year, he had one thing very clear in his mind — no babies! And fortunately for him, his wife too came from the same school of thought. He is candid, "The thought of having an 18-year-old at the age of 58 is disturbing. A child should ideally be an independent adult before you retire." He adds, "My wife and I have erratic work schedules. I don't think we would have done justice by bringing another life to the world." To give a dimension to their marriage, the couple has adopted a cocker spaniel 'Belch', that by Subroto's own admission seeks as much attention as a child.
Until some years ago, couples who couldn't have kids were looked down upon, let alone those who chose to not have one. The perception has somewhat changed as more and more couples are opting to never become parents. Says Dr Rajendra Barve, psychologist at IIT Hospital, mumbai, "These are couples who have found a purpose in life as against those who feel companionship is only about holidaying and partying. The latter usually end up having extra-marital affairs and eventually lose interest in their partner. Baby or no baby, it's about how creatively a couple is intimate with each other."
But for Abhay, 26, a marketing personnel based out of Bhopal, having children is an investment he is not willing to make. A year into marriage, both Abhay and his wife Rhea, have decided to steer clear of parenting. "Being responsible for someone throughout their life makes me jittery. Once you have a kid, you are grounded; either you or your spouse has to sacrifice a career to raise the child. Else, it would be unfair on the kid," shares Abhay. Like Subroto, the couple has adopted a labrador pup 'Foster' that keeps the household alive. 'When Rhea and I go out, Foster gets all sad and distant. It is a terrible feeling to leave him
behind, and we wonder how painful it would be were it our own kid," says he.
Perhaps a pet is easier to deal with and yet gives a high similar to raising a child. Vikram Karve, 54, who wrote a heart-warming short story on a Double Income No Kid (DINK) couple, is married for the last three decades and has grown up children. "We have an empty nest, which our pet beautifully fills up. But this is not to say that you should keep a pet instead of a baby. Those who get married should have kids as it is the kid that brings good vibes into the relationship," he avers.
According to Delhi-based sociologist Reeta Brara, couples not going for kids is a mere trend and not true across the board. Says she, "Blame it on today's self-indulgent lifestyles, where couples are not willing to share their resources even with kids. Young working women often think their career will take a backseat if they planned babies." But Reeta feels some unwed career-driven mothers such as Sushmita Sen are doing a great job of parenting, despite the odds.
Painter-curator, Alka Raghuvanshi, 48, who has married and divorced twice with no kids, is clear. "You can't divorce a child. From diapers to dentures it is a never-ending proposition. Women who say they can balance everything from career to kids, are lying to their teeth," she quips. Alka had lost a baby in her womb just a day before its birth from her first marriage. But she has no regrets, "After the incident I lost interest in having a baby and conveyed as much to my husband. I believe God willed me to not have kids. With a child around I couldn't have travelled the way I did, and painted with the same passion."
With mounting pressures of daily life, couples not willing to make an emotional and financial investment into parenting are on the rise. But how natural or unnatural is it for a couple to not have kids? "It's not a socio-culturally natural way of living," says Dr Bhavna Barmi, senior clinical psychologist and marital therapist at Escorts Heart Institute, "as physiologically, the body has a child-bearing capacity which should be optimised."
Showing posts with label Enjoy sex most. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Enjoy sex most. Show all posts
Monday, December 13, 2010
Top 9 sex-related myths busted
Do you know everything about sex? Think again for the more someone claims to know, the less they generally do know.
Alicia Stanton, a board-certified OB/GYN and the author of ''Hormone Harmony,'' who specializes in treating men and women suffering hormone imbalances, has listed top nine sex-related myths and what the real scoop is about sex, desire, and making it all work, reports the Fox News.
Myth: Interest in sex decreases with menopause.
Reality: Many women maintain hormonal balance and interest in sex through menopause. And, pregnancy and menstruation are no longer a concern, spontaneity can reign. Also, they are typically more confident and knowledgeable about what they want, so sex has the potential to be better than ever.
Myth: The only hormone important for libido is testosterone.
Reality: Although testosterone is very important for libido and sexual function in men and women, other hormones play a part as well. Estrogen is actually very important for desire in both men and women. Also, a high level of cortisol, our "fight or flight hormone," works against libido. If your body thinks that you're running for your life, literally or figuratively, it is not going to be very interested in sex.
Myth: If you're truly in love, desire for sex and high libido should come easily.
Reality: Relationships and making a real connection with someone takes time and energy. Relationships require as much attention as anything about which you are passionate. Focus on keeping your partner and his or her interests high on your priority list and you will find yourself discovering new ways to connect and keep the passion alive.
Myth: If you're healthy, you should want sex all of the time.
Reality: A wide variety in sexual appetite or level of libido exists. The way you know if you're having the "right" amount of sex is if you and your partner are both happy with your level of activity. There's no need to compare yourself to others.
Myth: If you're connected with your partner, you shouldn't have to ask for what you need.
Reality : Even if you and your partner haven't previously spoken much about your sexual relationship, it might be good to start talking. This is especially true if you're entering a new phase of life, including childbirth, menopause, or andropause, often called male menopause. If you begin to notice changes in your body or sexual desire, be sure to let your partner know what's going on. And, remember, communicating about what feels good enhances the experience for both of you.
Myth: Your most important sex organs are "south of the border."
Reality: Although those places are lots of fun, remember that your brain is the biggest sex organ in your body. You always have the ability to choose how you feel and think about sex and your sexuality. The desirability a man or woman feels about himself or herself is a very potent aphrodisiac. If you feel irresistible, your partner will find you irresistible. Passion is contagious!
Myth: If you don't have a partner, there is no sense in having a libido.
Reality: Having a loving relationship with yourself is essential. Even if you don't currently have a partner, feeling sensual and desirable will add passion to many aspects of your life. It takes practice to learn what arouses you and what a potential partner finds arousing. Learning to pleasure yourself is an important skill that you can continue to enjoy on your own, or that you can teach to a partner one day.
Myth: Women are the only ones who have problems with low libido.
Reality: Although the sexual desire disorder known as low libido is more common in women, it occurs in men as well. Some physical causes include alcohol, various medications, stress, hormone imbalances (such as low testosterone), cocaine use, brain tumors that produce the hormone prolactin, diabetes, and other major diseases such as cancer.
Myth: Hormonal issues are the only cause of low libido in women.
Reality: There are hormone imbalances such as low estrogen, low testosterone, hypothyroidism, and high cortisol from stress, but there are many other potential causes as well. Physical problems such as vulvar or vaginal pain or dryness may cause an increase in frustration and reduced libido. Surgery or other major health conditions like cancer, diabetes, high blood pressure or arthritis can also reduce libido.
Also, relationship issues, psychological issues (including depression), alcohol, tobacco use, and weight issues may also contribute to low libido.
Alicia Stanton, a board-certified OB/GYN and the author of ''Hormone Harmony,'' who specializes in treating men and women suffering hormone imbalances, has listed top nine sex-related myths and what the real scoop is about sex, desire, and making it all work, reports the Fox News.
Myth: Interest in sex decreases with menopause.
Reality: Many women maintain hormonal balance and interest in sex through menopause. And, pregnancy and menstruation are no longer a concern, spontaneity can reign. Also, they are typically more confident and knowledgeable about what they want, so sex has the potential to be better than ever.
Myth: The only hormone important for libido is testosterone.
Reality: Although testosterone is very important for libido and sexual function in men and women, other hormones play a part as well. Estrogen is actually very important for desire in both men and women. Also, a high level of cortisol, our "fight or flight hormone," works against libido. If your body thinks that you're running for your life, literally or figuratively, it is not going to be very interested in sex.
Myth: If you're truly in love, desire for sex and high libido should come easily.
Reality: Relationships and making a real connection with someone takes time and energy. Relationships require as much attention as anything about which you are passionate. Focus on keeping your partner and his or her interests high on your priority list and you will find yourself discovering new ways to connect and keep the passion alive.
Myth: If you're healthy, you should want sex all of the time.
Reality: A wide variety in sexual appetite or level of libido exists. The way you know if you're having the "right" amount of sex is if you and your partner are both happy with your level of activity. There's no need to compare yourself to others.
Myth: If you're connected with your partner, you shouldn't have to ask for what you need.
Reality : Even if you and your partner haven't previously spoken much about your sexual relationship, it might be good to start talking. This is especially true if you're entering a new phase of life, including childbirth, menopause, or andropause, often called male menopause. If you begin to notice changes in your body or sexual desire, be sure to let your partner know what's going on. And, remember, communicating about what feels good enhances the experience for both of you.
Myth: Your most important sex organs are "south of the border."
Reality: Although those places are lots of fun, remember that your brain is the biggest sex organ in your body. You always have the ability to choose how you feel and think about sex and your sexuality. The desirability a man or woman feels about himself or herself is a very potent aphrodisiac. If you feel irresistible, your partner will find you irresistible. Passion is contagious!
Myth: If you don't have a partner, there is no sense in having a libido.
Reality: Having a loving relationship with yourself is essential. Even if you don't currently have a partner, feeling sensual and desirable will add passion to many aspects of your life. It takes practice to learn what arouses you and what a potential partner finds arousing. Learning to pleasure yourself is an important skill that you can continue to enjoy on your own, or that you can teach to a partner one day.
Myth: Women are the only ones who have problems with low libido.
Reality: Although the sexual desire disorder known as low libido is more common in women, it occurs in men as well. Some physical causes include alcohol, various medications, stress, hormone imbalances (such as low testosterone), cocaine use, brain tumors that produce the hormone prolactin, diabetes, and other major diseases such as cancer.
Myth: Hormonal issues are the only cause of low libido in women.
Reality: There are hormone imbalances such as low estrogen, low testosterone, hypothyroidism, and high cortisol from stress, but there are many other potential causes as well. Physical problems such as vulvar or vaginal pain or dryness may cause an increase in frustration and reduced libido. Surgery or other major health conditions like cancer, diabetes, high blood pressure or arthritis can also reduce libido.
Also, relationship issues, psychological issues (including depression), alcohol, tobacco use, and weight issues may also contribute to low libido.
Labels:
Enjoy sex most
Six steps to a happy sex life
Feeling shy to make that first move in the bedroom? Well, here are six sex tips to get you all raring to go and sweep your man off his feet.
1. Bag Some bedroom magi with Before-Play
No surprise that women blame a lack of romance for a lack of sex! Time to nurture "before-play" between you—if you've had a row, or are stressed after work, let him know you need some cuddles and affection.
Don't expect him to be a mind reader - men aren't good at that. Ask him for a compliment, too. Men respond to straight talking so tell him that feeling appreciated and loved-up gets you in the mood for proper foreplay, reports The Sun.
Having before-play creates the right mood to get turned on. So include things like always having mood music ready to play, and candles to light your supper - even if it's a takeaway!
2. Get Steamy !
Time to turn up the heat. Why not suggest having a candlelit bath or sexy shower together. Subtle candlelight flatters your figure! Take time lathering each other up with some sexy-scented shower gel. Have a couple warm towels ready to dry each other off before you tumble into bed.
When you indulge each other in steamy little pleasures it'll give you loads of ideas for more sensual tricks to tempt each other into bed. You could offer to wash his hair and caress his scalp gently. Show him a light touch and then ask him to return the favour.
Once you're out of the shower dare him to paint your fingernails. As he strokes each of your fingers gently it produces the love hormone oxytocin in your bodies.
3. Get Rude with Food !
It's crucial to make sex as easy-as-can-be when you're a busy/tired couple. So grab opportunities like getting a bit rude with food together. It's super sexy to hand-feed each other little tidbits or to spoon something delicious like chocolate mousse into each other's mouths.
Or why not have a rude-food feast in bed on a Saturday afternoon? Who says you have to eat at the table! This is the perfect setting for drizzling some sweet honey down your cleavage for him to lick off - forget about putting it on toast!
4. Letting Him Know What You Want
Believe me he wants to know what turns you on! If you're feeling a bit shy then show him rather than tell him what to do. Take his hand and guide it gently around your pleasure-zones. Pause where it feels fab saying, "I love it when you touch me here."
Also when he happens to touch you just right "big him up" - men love praise so heap it on him and he'll do more of that feel-good foreplay.
If he's a bit heavy-handed (true of so many men!) use this trick— take his finger and gently suck and lick it - then tell him that's the sort of pressure you love.
And definitely use a warm and sensual voice to encourage him. Crikey, even just hearing your little sex-sighs will make him all ears! So use those little sighs and moans to communicate your pleasure.
5. How To Find Out What He Wants!
He might be a bit shy to tell you what he likes. So ask, ask and ask again! A good way to ask is to give him some options. Say something like, "do you prefer it when I stroke or squeeze you here, and more gently or firmly?" This'll give him the confidence to be honest.
If he needs extra encouragement tell him you find it exciting being told what to do. Turn this into a playful sex-game where he's the boss and you're his sexy PA and he's going to dictate to you what he wants done!
6. Your Private Pleasure Pack
Definitely make your sex-life simpler by keeping a little "pleasure pack" in your bedside table. Then when the mood strikes you'll be ready for some frolics with your fella.
No annoying searching about for things like your favourite lubricant, condoms, sex toys, blind fold for a kinky sex game, sexy stockings and silky knickers, tissues, massage oils, etc.
1. Bag Some bedroom magi with Before-Play
No surprise that women blame a lack of romance for a lack of sex! Time to nurture "before-play" between you—if you've had a row, or are stressed after work, let him know you need some cuddles and affection.
Don't expect him to be a mind reader - men aren't good at that. Ask him for a compliment, too. Men respond to straight talking so tell him that feeling appreciated and loved-up gets you in the mood for proper foreplay, reports The Sun.
Having before-play creates the right mood to get turned on. So include things like always having mood music ready to play, and candles to light your supper - even if it's a takeaway!
2. Get Steamy !
Time to turn up the heat. Why not suggest having a candlelit bath or sexy shower together. Subtle candlelight flatters your figure! Take time lathering each other up with some sexy-scented shower gel. Have a couple warm towels ready to dry each other off before you tumble into bed.
When you indulge each other in steamy little pleasures it'll give you loads of ideas for more sensual tricks to tempt each other into bed. You could offer to wash his hair and caress his scalp gently. Show him a light touch and then ask him to return the favour.
Once you're out of the shower dare him to paint your fingernails. As he strokes each of your fingers gently it produces the love hormone oxytocin in your bodies.
3. Get Rude with Food !
It's crucial to make sex as easy-as-can-be when you're a busy/tired couple. So grab opportunities like getting a bit rude with food together. It's super sexy to hand-feed each other little tidbits or to spoon something delicious like chocolate mousse into each other's mouths.
Or why not have a rude-food feast in bed on a Saturday afternoon? Who says you have to eat at the table! This is the perfect setting for drizzling some sweet honey down your cleavage for him to lick off - forget about putting it on toast!
4. Letting Him Know What You Want
Believe me he wants to know what turns you on! If you're feeling a bit shy then show him rather than tell him what to do. Take his hand and guide it gently around your pleasure-zones. Pause where it feels fab saying, "I love it when you touch me here."
Also when he happens to touch you just right "big him up" - men love praise so heap it on him and he'll do more of that feel-good foreplay.
If he's a bit heavy-handed (true of so many men!) use this trick— take his finger and gently suck and lick it - then tell him that's the sort of pressure you love.
And definitely use a warm and sensual voice to encourage him. Crikey, even just hearing your little sex-sighs will make him all ears! So use those little sighs and moans to communicate your pleasure.
5. How To Find Out What He Wants!
He might be a bit shy to tell you what he likes. So ask, ask and ask again! A good way to ask is to give him some options. Say something like, "do you prefer it when I stroke or squeeze you here, and more gently or firmly?" This'll give him the confidence to be honest.
If he needs extra encouragement tell him you find it exciting being told what to do. Turn this into a playful sex-game where he's the boss and you're his sexy PA and he's going to dictate to you what he wants done!
6. Your Private Pleasure Pack
Definitely make your sex-life simpler by keeping a little "pleasure pack" in your bedside table. Then when the mood strikes you'll be ready for some frolics with your fella.
No annoying searching about for things like your favourite lubricant, condoms, sex toys, blind fold for a kinky sex game, sexy stockings and silky knickers, tissues, massage oils, etc.
Labels:
Enjoy sex most
Your lingerie colour says a lot
Do you prefer black underwear to red? Or pink to white? A psychologist has revealed that preference for a certain colour also reveals the kind of lover you are.
Red means you're not shy but if you choose pink, you would rather let the other person take the lead and white is for willing learners, according to expert Donna Dawson.
The poll found 72 per cent of women now opt for nude or flesh toned lingerie when shopping, shunning the classic whites and blacks – this fact was supported by Debenhams who report nude sales up 38 per cent increase year-on-year.
"Colours at the warm end of the spectrum (red, orange, yellow), create feelings of excitement and vitality, and can actually raise our blood pressure, heartbeat and breathing rate," The Daily Mail quoted Dawson as saying.
"A red bra denotes a personality that is passionate, energetic, dramatic and driven. A pink bra denotes a personality that is romantic and gentle and in need of affection. She is feminine, sensuous and would never take the lead. A white bra denotes a personality that is innocent but open-to-suggestion," she added.
"A black bra denotes a personality that is individualistic and powerful, as well as sultry. This woman has subtle charms and is deeply passionate," Dawson said.
Red means you're not shy but if you choose pink, you would rather let the other person take the lead and white is for willing learners, according to expert Donna Dawson.
The poll found 72 per cent of women now opt for nude or flesh toned lingerie when shopping, shunning the classic whites and blacks – this fact was supported by Debenhams who report nude sales up 38 per cent increase year-on-year.
"Colours at the warm end of the spectrum (red, orange, yellow), create feelings of excitement and vitality, and can actually raise our blood pressure, heartbeat and breathing rate," The Daily Mail quoted Dawson as saying.
"A red bra denotes a personality that is passionate, energetic, dramatic and driven. A pink bra denotes a personality that is romantic and gentle and in need of affection. She is feminine, sensuous and would never take the lead. A white bra denotes a personality that is innocent but open-to-suggestion," she added.
"A black bra denotes a personality that is individualistic and powerful, as well as sultry. This woman has subtle charms and is deeply passionate," Dawson said.
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Myths about low sexual desire
There are lots of moments in life when you seem to be the only one craving for sex and your partner just doesn't seem interested enough.
Most couples have faced this situation sometime or another in their sexual life even as the sex nosedives and vanishes for days/months and in worst case scenarios maybe even for years. Learning to recognise the symptoms behind a low sex drive helps to get out of the sticky situation. Here are the most common myths about your low sexual levels:
Myth 1: Too much stress leads to low sex drive
Banker Rohit Khanna complained about high stress levels to his partner. "I was having a tough time with my boss in office. That affected my interest in sex, but Aradhana just wouldn't understand. We ended up fighting, with my wife accusing me that I just wasn't interested in her anymore and I was put off by the thought of indulging in sex with her. Finally, we both had to visit a counselor who helped us see the problem for what it was. It was also a time when I had begun to doubt my own sexual prowess. So yes, it was extremely traumatic."
Beat it: Psychologist Poornima Adhikari explains, "Couples often go through high and low phases in their sexual desires. It could be triggered off by anything and stress is most often one of the major reasons for a lack luster sexual life. The hectic lifestyle of today bears ugly aftermaths and thus couples must figure out ways to de-stress. They should look into common areas of interest that help them bond and find happiness together. And talking about your problems is a great way of lowering high stress levels. So communicate, take out time even if it's just 10 minutes every day to talk about things that are troubling you."
Myth 2: Women's low libido are governed by her hormones
Shraddha Singh, a hotel executive reveals that men often believe that hormones regulate a woman's intrinsic moods and desires. "Anand, my husband always fought with me when I told him that I just didn't want to have sex today. He inevitably blamed it on my hormonal levels, saying that women were victims of their hormones. But that's such a huge misconception. Our hormones are just like our male counterparts too." She adds, "Often, a low libido is caused by eating habits, fatigue, not enough sleep and many more physiological factors. Also it's about our mental health."
Beat it: Adhikari points out that low sex drive in women often stems from how they feel about themselves and how they view their relationship with their partner. So when women complain about a low sex drive, their partners need to make them feel good about themselves. Couples need to sit together and work out how on to improve their existing relationship. The woman must be going through some kind of complex feelings that need to be detangled to take the relationship forward at a physical level.
Most couples have faced this situation sometime or another in their sexual life even as the sex nosedives and vanishes for days/months and in worst case scenarios maybe even for years. Learning to recognise the symptoms behind a low sex drive helps to get out of the sticky situation. Here are the most common myths about your low sexual levels:
Myth 1: Too much stress leads to low sex drive
Banker Rohit Khanna complained about high stress levels to his partner. "I was having a tough time with my boss in office. That affected my interest in sex, but Aradhana just wouldn't understand. We ended up fighting, with my wife accusing me that I just wasn't interested in her anymore and I was put off by the thought of indulging in sex with her. Finally, we both had to visit a counselor who helped us see the problem for what it was. It was also a time when I had begun to doubt my own sexual prowess. So yes, it was extremely traumatic."
Beat it: Psychologist Poornima Adhikari explains, "Couples often go through high and low phases in their sexual desires. It could be triggered off by anything and stress is most often one of the major reasons for a lack luster sexual life. The hectic lifestyle of today bears ugly aftermaths and thus couples must figure out ways to de-stress. They should look into common areas of interest that help them bond and find happiness together. And talking about your problems is a great way of lowering high stress levels. So communicate, take out time even if it's just 10 minutes every day to talk about things that are troubling you."
Myth 2: Women's low libido are governed by her hormones
Shraddha Singh, a hotel executive reveals that men often believe that hormones regulate a woman's intrinsic moods and desires. "Anand, my husband always fought with me when I told him that I just didn't want to have sex today. He inevitably blamed it on my hormonal levels, saying that women were victims of their hormones. But that's such a huge misconception. Our hormones are just like our male counterparts too." She adds, "Often, a low libido is caused by eating habits, fatigue, not enough sleep and many more physiological factors. Also it's about our mental health."
Beat it: Adhikari points out that low sex drive in women often stems from how they feel about themselves and how they view their relationship with their partner. So when women complain about a low sex drive, their partners need to make them feel good about themselves. Couples need to sit together and work out how on to improve their existing relationship. The woman must be going through some kind of complex feelings that need to be detangled to take the relationship forward at a physical level.
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Enjoy sex most when stressed
Most women take sexual rejection very personally, especially if their sense of self-worth is linked to love and acceptance from their partner.
When a sexual advance by a woman is turned down by her man, she views herself as being an inadequate lover. She believes that her 'lovability' is defined by the affection she receives from her partner.
Meltdown in bed
The current trend of sexless marriages, due to lowered self-esteem of men facing a financial crisis and resultant stress, is leading to varied reactions in women. Some working women who're aware of the global crisis, show greater empathy and do not blame their partner for the financial situation, or the subsequent lack of interest in sex. Instead, they assume the role of a sounding board, and also attempt to motivate them to be optimistic and deal with the crisis 'together'.
On the other hand, some women add to their husbands' woes by being demanding, aggressive and blaming them for the loss of both, 'money and sex' and launch a direct attack on their partner's manhood. This only makes matters worse. The woman, who has shoved a guilt-trip down her husband's throat, can be rest assured that the financial crises may end, but her sex life will never improve.
Women need to understand is that it's a healthy and relaxed mind that's important for mutually satisfying physical intimacy.
Self-worth factor
Some women get confused by the sudden withdrawal of sex, get depressed and might suspect that their husband is having an extra-marital affair. Such anxious women must de-link affection and physical intimacy, and be educated about 'temporary psychological impotence' stemming from increased stress.
In some cases, over-consumption of alcohol can be a problem, especially with those who try to deal with stress via alcohol. This takes a huge toll on the relationship, as the woman finds it difficult to empathise with a husband who gets drunk every night, whines about problems, and doesn't wish to address the crisis in a logical manner.
In such a condition, marriage counselling helps the couple understand each other's emotional needs. Also, stress counselling helps the man deal with the financial and sexual lull in life.
A man can be taught to reach out and be sensitive to his wife's needs, and the woman can be educated to not make it all about herself, be 'emotionally available' and not use the husband's vulnerability against him.
The two must remember that this a temporary phase and how they handle it decides the future of the relationship. Moreover, the 'emotional intimacy' during this time can strengthen their relationship, and there can be some surprising moments of physical intimacy, emerging from such emotional bonding.
Coping with it
A wife could use these troubled times to build emotional intimacy and companionship, educate herself about the finer details of her man's problem and engage him in the small joys of life, such as sharing the child's achievements in school.
She could engage in non-sexual touching like a back rub or head massage to bond.
She shouldn't mind her husband wanting to spend time with his colleagues who enlighten him on ways to deal with the problem, and tell him he's not alone.
Tell him that both of you will get through it 'together', and that you believe in him.
Ensure that he doesn't blame himself. Help him accept uncertainties and forgive himself for human errors, if any.
She can help de-stigmatise seeking professional help. If he is depressed, accompany him to a counsellor.
She could identify what brings him joy. Small things such as cooking his favourite meal can help him.
At times, she could take the lead, touch him sensually, with no pressure to perform, and see if he wants to take it forward.
The woman, of course, has her own emotional and physical needs. She could channelise her libido into work or creative pursuits.
(Dr Minnu Bhonsle is a consulting psychotherapist and counsellor at the Heart to Heart counselling centre)
When a sexual advance by a woman is turned down by her man, she views herself as being an inadequate lover. She believes that her 'lovability' is defined by the affection she receives from her partner.
Meltdown in bed
The current trend of sexless marriages, due to lowered self-esteem of men facing a financial crisis and resultant stress, is leading to varied reactions in women. Some working women who're aware of the global crisis, show greater empathy and do not blame their partner for the financial situation, or the subsequent lack of interest in sex. Instead, they assume the role of a sounding board, and also attempt to motivate them to be optimistic and deal with the crisis 'together'.
On the other hand, some women add to their husbands' woes by being demanding, aggressive and blaming them for the loss of both, 'money and sex' and launch a direct attack on their partner's manhood. This only makes matters worse. The woman, who has shoved a guilt-trip down her husband's throat, can be rest assured that the financial crises may end, but her sex life will never improve.
Women need to understand is that it's a healthy and relaxed mind that's important for mutually satisfying physical intimacy.
Self-worth factor
Some women get confused by the sudden withdrawal of sex, get depressed and might suspect that their husband is having an extra-marital affair. Such anxious women must de-link affection and physical intimacy, and be educated about 'temporary psychological impotence' stemming from increased stress.
In some cases, over-consumption of alcohol can be a problem, especially with those who try to deal with stress via alcohol. This takes a huge toll on the relationship, as the woman finds it difficult to empathise with a husband who gets drunk every night, whines about problems, and doesn't wish to address the crisis in a logical manner.
In such a condition, marriage counselling helps the couple understand each other's emotional needs. Also, stress counselling helps the man deal with the financial and sexual lull in life.
A man can be taught to reach out and be sensitive to his wife's needs, and the woman can be educated to not make it all about herself, be 'emotionally available' and not use the husband's vulnerability against him.
The two must remember that this a temporary phase and how they handle it decides the future of the relationship. Moreover, the 'emotional intimacy' during this time can strengthen their relationship, and there can be some surprising moments of physical intimacy, emerging from such emotional bonding.
Coping with it
A wife could use these troubled times to build emotional intimacy and companionship, educate herself about the finer details of her man's problem and engage him in the small joys of life, such as sharing the child's achievements in school.
She could engage in non-sexual touching like a back rub or head massage to bond.
She shouldn't mind her husband wanting to spend time with his colleagues who enlighten him on ways to deal with the problem, and tell him he's not alone.
Tell him that both of you will get through it 'together', and that you believe in him.
Ensure that he doesn't blame himself. Help him accept uncertainties and forgive himself for human errors, if any.
She can help de-stigmatise seeking professional help. If he is depressed, accompany him to a counsellor.
She could identify what brings him joy. Small things such as cooking his favourite meal can help him.
At times, she could take the lead, touch him sensually, with no pressure to perform, and see if he wants to take it forward.
The woman, of course, has her own emotional and physical needs. She could channelise her libido into work or creative pursuits.
(Dr Minnu Bhonsle is a consulting psychotherapist and counsellor at the Heart to Heart counselling centre)
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